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Superman (New Earth)
Superman is the original gangsta. He can beat anybody up, ever, except for the Hulk who is green, just like kryptonite.....or something. He was beating people up dressed in spandex while your grandpa was still in diapers. And anybody who says different is selling something. Believing that his planet was about to explode, negligent parent Jor-El blasted his infant child Kal-El into space with a rocket. And without even giving him a sword. The baby landed in Smallville, Kansas where he met a young infertile couple that at this point in their lives were apparently ready to try anything. They named him Clark Kent. Growing up, Clark found himself with special powers and realized it was his responsibility to save the world, the only practical way someone able to move planets could... by solving petty crimes one at a time in a ridiculous outfit. He journeyed to Metropolis, and became a reporter for the Daily Planet, surrounding himself with journalists as what was clearly a cry for help. Calling himself Superman, he became the world's greatest hero... Man of Steel, Pimp from the Stars, Intergalactic Pick-Up Artist. Communist. He'd like you to believe all this, that he was the last son of Krypton, a purely democratic planet a lot like his adopted America. In actually, he is the biggest cover up on the planet. Superman is a Commie spy in the United States, one with direct access to the White House. Clark Kent is a man with the power to move a planet, who worships the dictator Josef Stalin. You think the Communist party is all but dead? This is just the beginning. Biography of a dirty Commie Coming to Mother Russia No, don't beleive what you were told. Superman did not in Smallville, at least not initially. No, his destiny was not started in 1961, but instead 1921. The Man of Steel lied to us. His home planet and his origin was true, for the most part, however. He was blasted away from Krypton in 1913, and landed in the fields of Russia after a bloody battle in 1917. And he did have some equipment, despite popular belief. He had a remote that his father made that estimated what events should be happening using time travel technology beyond even good ol' American scientist understanding. He was brought to the leader of the red army, Leon Trotsky, and given a proper Russian name, Кларк Ленина, or Clark Lenin, after the communist lord and savior. It wasn't until after the civil war was over the this young boy became a true communist. He was taught by the best the Red Army had in the ways of combat and the ways of the mind. Not that the Red army had better techniques, of course, but, he was a special one. He had superpowers. By 1923, he was 11 years old and a ruthless killer already. But he had yet to perform a major test. Stalin stepped in as a father figure at this time and told him to paralyze Lenin. So Clark became the true source of Lenin's ultimate demise, despite what Stalin told the people. Dawn of a new enemy and fighting Capitalism As he grew in the twenties, whispers of his covert work in the name of mother Russia made him an urban legend, often referred to as " Сталина осла приятель", Or Stalin's Master Assassin. On the dawn of World War II, this "Superman" was seen much with Master Stalin. Upon the rise of the NAZIs, Clark was given his first essential assignment: To infiltrate the NAZI German Army. But his plan was set back when Stalin signed a truce with Adolf Hitler. This gave the Man of Iron the chance to look closer at secret plans. When the actual war began, Clark was the man that took out leading NAZI soldiers behind the lines. By War's end, he was one of the most distinguished Spies of the Red Army. He spent until the late fifties operating behind Capitalist lines and operating terrorist cells in Iron Curtain countries. However, while Clark was doing great favors for his communist homeland, he wasn't using his full powers. And all the while Commie Scientists were creating the ultimate item too combat the Capitalist Americans: a superhero. In 1961 the Soviet Union reconfigured the technology in the pod and fixed it up so that it could make one last crash landing. They also took Kal-El's father's remote and rewired it too decrease the age of a man, but only once. It was originally for Stalin, but he kicked the bucket before he could use it. So, the new man in charge of the Red Army, Nikita Khrushchev, commanded that the tech should be used to reduce Superman to a baby form, with his brain cells in tact, and drop him behind enemy lines, to a family the KGB said, quote "Was stupid enough to harbor an alien and make him work on the farm." The Government purged anything relating to Clark, including doctoring old images with the advanced photoshop technologies they had configured of the pod in 1956. They even went so far as too use the Cuban Missile Crises to cover their tracks a year later. And so Clark Stalin became Clark Kent. Fake American Hero Well, little Clark Kent was born and raised by Mister and Misses Clark Kent of Smallville. They were generally bullied and beaten by Clark, though the two had a major problem with Alzheimer's and hardly remember it. He grew up and moved to Metropolis, where his steps to conquering the US really took fold. He made the city beleive that he stood for all things American. One man, however, seemed to fumble his plans. Lex Luthor. Now the stories you hear about him being a genius gone insane is, in fact, true. But he is also a model American and a good man against communism. Lex worked with Superman for many months before discovering the real deal; Superman wanted to make the US communist. Lex confronted Superman with a Kryptonite rifle, but the man of steel turned the gun on him, and shot his face. Now, the man of steel says that Kryptonite is harmless to everyone but him, which isn't quite true. If exposed to Kryptonite, the recipient will begin to lose hair, and if exposed to long, will contract a state of Mental Illness. Thus Lex lost his mind and started criminal endeavors to kill and/or humiliate the man from behind the red curtain. This actually proved to help Superman's cause instead of hurt it, which infuriated the now insane Lex Luthor. Superman helped KGB agents infiltrate branches of the United States Government and several commands in all branches of the United States Military. He had a big part in the assassination of John F Kennedy. They believed the bullet was coming from that window where the wrongly accused man that was just paid to sit there, and was thrown behind bars for it. Instead, the sniper was in Superman's arms when the bullet took off. Remember, "Faster than a Speeding Bullet"? It wasn't until the Red Curtain fell and the communists of Mother Russia died out that Superman found his life's meaning screwed over. Trapped As soon as the wall fell, Mother Russia pulled Superman's funding. They also exposed him to the United States Government, who cooked up a plan to take out a man that had the support of the entire country. That plan resulted formerly known as OJ Sampson, who was experimented on with numerous Super Soldier Serums, mutations, and superhuman beneficial diseases. Unfortunately for the USA, a Chinese Communist was put in charge of the mutations, and was fully aware of Superman love of Communism. OJ was turned into a rampaging monster known as Doomsday II. Some years later, the two crossed paths, which resulted in an explosive battle that resulted in Superman's death, or so it seemed. After incapacitating Superman with an ipod down his throat (Which was not even supposed to exist yet), Doomsday punched him in the stomach, seemingly killing him. In fact, Doomsday's final punch used reversed tech from the original Superman pod combined with Chinese Black Magic to teleport him to China and a fake body back to his robotic wife made by the Soviet union. Turns out, the whole Doomsday project was set up by the portions of the Chinese government still fully communist. they made a clone of Superman with his permission, that has a chip in the back of his mind to turn him from the all American clone to a Chinese super spy. Fortunately, their plans were put on hold in 2001. Lex Luthor seemed to regain his sanity and win presidency in the 2001 election, and began to make amends for his mistakes, starting with stripping the government of former KGB spies still stuck in the government and new Chinese spies. However, the Chinese didn't feel that he posed a threat with the American legal system until he put out an arrest warrant on the Man of Steel. At that point, Lex discovered the hard way that he was no infallible. His running mate and Vice President Hilary Blimpton, turned out to be a former NKVD member turned Chinese spy for hire, and exposed Lex to kryptonite once more, making him burn through the US citizens tax dollars to make a suit made of pure kryptonite to hunt down tSuperman. When he was defeated he was also impeached, and replaced with a hipper president. The threat is far from over. One day the legions upon legions of Superman clones will march from their hiding place in Genghis Kong's tomb and attack the US. Only you, and your M2005 Kryptonite Rifle™, made by those pro American anti Commies at Guns R' Us™, can protect you from the forces that will one day threaten our lives. And guess what? The price has been cut in half! Yes, its now a meager $56,000.01! Buy it now, and protect your family from the horrors of the Supermen™! Category:UnDC Category:People Category:Heroes Category:Soviet Stuff